Agency--To sum it up, i've let my life turn to rubbish.

lately, well the past few months I felt like I have been somewhat, I don't know what. Existing? Which is so bizarre because I am really happy with the compartments of my life. I love the people here. I love my school. I love being by family. I love my job. Right? So many fantastic things. But thats just it, they have just been like, parts. alright, i'm going to get a little personal, sorry about that. I have just felt like, i've been xoale4tneliathielahtliehth lately. I feel like I have gone through a good path of discovery that perhaps someone can get something from. Perhaps.

Things are so different in europe.

-Body image/lifestyle—HEALTHIER. Real love for all body types and making fitness and health a way of life. I didn't know one person with a gym membership. And I only knew maybe one overweight person. Its astounding.

-Food—amazing, and insanely good. Eat slower. Enjoy it. Love it. No processed garbage. No eating on the go.

-Time usage—you do things slower. But in a good way I feel like. Way less stress.

-Technology—enough to get by, but not a huge emphasis. I sent maybe 2 texts a day.

-Members/church life—i was in a family ward with these AMAZING converts from all over asia and africa that just adored the gospel. Such sacrifice and love. And since members were so scarce, especially young single adults (like 5 in all brussels), coming out to things and building up the ward took a lot of commitment and helped my dedication and testimony grow so much. So many opportunities to serve.

-Gossip—what? Didn't exist.

-Sleep/stress—they don't start life until 8 or 9 am. And in brussels, things close around 8pm except bars and places to get drinks. So yeah, you actually sleep really well and do things at better hours.

That all being said. I don't live in europe anymore.

“Contrary to the world’s secular teaching, the scriptures teach us that we do have agency, and our righteous exercise of agency always makes a difference in the opportunities we have and our ability to act upon them and progress eternally.”

I realize I am so blessed to live here as well, in a land that God, religion and spirituality is so much more accepted and present in every day life. A land of so much space, beauty and so many conveniences. I love america and I love it here, don't get me wrong.

I guess just I've never really had a hard time with health and that half of my soul very much. I honestly, never really cared what people thought about my looks. I didn't hardly ever feel the need to wear very much make-up. I felt like a body is there to be a tool for the Lord, to house my spirit and be live my life in. The whole superficial aspect of beauty and peoples measures never really matter much to me. I have always loved shopping at second hand stores, I would always wear whatever I wanted and I liked, it was never a problem. So Europe was like my nirvana in that way.

I just see so many beautiful and wonderful people hate on their bodies and looks. It makes me so sad, and must make the Lord feel just so sad for us too. It's so depressing. And i've realized—isolating. That is one of satans greatest tools. When emphasis on the wrong things come to mind first, you slowly isolate your self out of jealous, poor self-esteem, worry, stress, doubt, over-exertion, whatever it may be for the person.

The comeback has been harder on me then I even realized, until this week it finally all swelled up. I just realized, i've been fighting with my work out routine. Eating whatever I happen to find, however much, whenever basically, no real habits. My skin went from completely clear to breaking out. I've been having a hard time getting myself to sleep more then 5 or 6 hours. I haven't been stretching. I have been putting way more emphasis on outer influences with appearances. I feel way more irritable, doing less service, procrastinating, tighter, spending less smart, wasting more time yet feeling more stressed, having a super negative internal dialogue. And having a much harder time with daily study, its still happening but in a much more checklist or slip it in some days sort of way.

To sum it up, i've let my life turn to rubbish.

I took a whole day off of the world. Slept well. Cleaned. Studied. Pondered. Worked out. Even got a massage. Fasted. And I just feel like i'm back. I am me again. A whole person, unified in myself. Working to be better.

I realized with these talks: Heavenly Father and Christ are our life glue. They take pieces of a human and can turn them into a disciple. Everything must work together in harmony, all with the intent to be like them.

It's like I knew it before, but something just clicked.

“They live. When we exercise our agency in righteousness, we come to know Them, become more like Them, and prepare ourselves for that day when “every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess” that Jesus is our Savior.”

So I am really excited to make a plan. To use my agency for good. To cook vegan. Sleep enough to support my lifestyle. Do daily exercise that I love. Really commit to my different gospel study areas. Work hard on school and not procrastinate. Put more effort into my job. Pray for myself and others. Serve. Love more freely. Get into myself, into the Savior and try and unify my will to His.